No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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