i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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