My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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