My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
