Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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