please come you make the beer taste better
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
