based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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