He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
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