You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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