How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
