If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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