How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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