The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
