Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
