he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
