Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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