you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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