you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
