but the lizard people decide everything anyway
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
