I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
