Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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