dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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