i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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