Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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