Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
