so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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