We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
even my farts smell like vagina
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
