You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
im on a boat
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