Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
