Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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