the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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