So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
