break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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