I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
