so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
