I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
