How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
