break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm eating all of the evidence.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
