Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
