i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
FUCK WHALES
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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