i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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