Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
