I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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