i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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