When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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