the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
