I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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