Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
