I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
