Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
